Monday, 26 January 2015

Imagination


When Meg was in the PICU in the hospital I started making pictures with my digital camera (DSLR?)  I stil remember my husband whispering "you cannot do so, it is a hospital ..." I had that huge camera with me as it was a tool I used on daily bases. I had it with me as I was voluenteering in an animalpark. They organised a special"dreamnight" evening for disabled children and their family.... I was felting with the kids there in the section from the sheep. Friends were spinning, carding wool, shaving a sheep and I was wetfelting with 2 other ladies. After one session it was little calmer and I suddenly had the urge to check my phone.... 8 missed calls from my husband and other family members.... (I stil do not dare to listen to the voicemails of my phone, so don;t leave a message I'll not listen to it... )

I didn';t dare to call back my husband, afraid to keep him from taking care or something... so I called my sister. She told me: "Kim, Something happened with Meg a car accident and not good, They talked about an ambulance helicopter, you need to come.... Shall I pick you up? Where are you? "  I was in a place called Born approximately 40 minutes drive from our place. I said no I cannot wait til you are here, I'll drive myself. I grabbed my bag and camera and told the others my daughter was in danger and rushed off to my car. The only thing I was thinking during the drive was "donnot drive too hard, no need for another accident I need to arrive in that hospital to be there for Meg and Meg stay alive ! "  While I was waiting for the parkingticket to come out and an open gate for the parkinglot, My sisters and Janna with her teddybear drove by... on the way to the emergency. I parked the car and ran into the hospital, I knew the way to the emergency place. We all arrived nearly at the same time. they took us to a special family room and soon a doctor called Dr. Engel (= means angel in dutch) came to tell us about Meg's situation. She told us Meg was in life danger : huge head/brain damage and bone fractures and at various places in/ on her body and they were afraid she would not make it. She prepared us for the worst. The only thing what I wanted was to be with Meg. I wanted to see her. Our dear sweet Meg. She was in a special room where special nurses and doctors were running around. She looked so fragile, our twelve year old daughter.....

She was taken to the PICU, a special Intensive Care unit for Children, She had a tool in her head which measured her brain pressure. It wasn't good when that started raising, They told us the first 24 hours are the critical ones.... a body need time to react to a smash. Someone said that hit was same as getting 1 m3 of concreet on your body.... I cannot imagine how that must feel, let alone survive...  On Saturday June 7th her pressure was rising and we were informed the only other option for Meg was to do surgery on her head, remove her skull at 2 sides.  A very scary idea, but what other option was there? None. So we let her go, we said goodbye to her. I whispered to Meg, Dear Meg, know that I really really love you very much, but this is your life, If this life is meant to end here then let it go. I don;t want you to  be kept in a body that does not do what you want. It is your choice. You are free to chose, I'll miss you but I cannot claim you to stay here on earth if that is not part of your lifestory anymore. It is your descision, whatever you chose it is ok. I will be here for you to help and support you if you descide to stay...... And she was taken away to the surgery room.

After 4 hours ( I think it was 01.00 in the night)  the surgeon came and told us her part was done and a succes, she said now time will tell, next 24 hours are crucial.... pff again 24 hours of life and death.
We took turns in being with Meg, we did not want her to be alone, without any family so her father stayed with her grandfather and we, my mother and me, went to bed when they came back after 4 hours. On Sunday it was a very special day as a nephew was going to do his Holy Communion... a  big party was prepared,, what to do? my sister asked. I said no doubts, it has to go on. Meg would not want it differently, He did his preparings for that day and to cancel everything... No, that was not fair to him. I stayed with Meg, but Janna wanted to go and rest of the family too, but it was bittersweet for all of them. No need to tell.  On that Monday it was a Holy day (2e pinksterdag) too and the priest came back in the evening to do a prayer around Meg's bed together with all of us, asking  God to help the sick people and in special Meg. I will never forget the weather outside at that moment... it was black, dark, raining, with thunder and lightning. A storm I never saw before. Short floods. I felt it was like nature helping us with our prayers. later that evening when I walked  to my room in the mcdonalds house I saw a beautiful calm  but colorfull skye, also new to me, It gave me hope.

During the next 9 weeks in the Picu and also at mediumcare I took pictures of Meg everyday, I was imagining me Meg getting better and asking me how she looked like and what happened  back then, who came to visit, and more of such things. I was and stil am ,however very aware of the fact that Meg, back then and even now stil, does not realise how she was  at that moment. The nurses also said it is her privacy, Would Meg like the world to see how she was, when she does not know it herself yet???? Imaginations of people always run wild hearing all kind of stories, and sometimes a real picture or being there seeing it for yourself is more calming as your imagination, but for me Meg's privacy was a thing I did not want to be blamed for when she makes it. Looking back at that hospital period I also have the feeling I have protected not only Meg, but also the people whom wanted to come for a visit..... but now the time is right to have more visits.

6 comments:

  1. Zo heftig. Zo'n telefoontje wilt niemand krijgen. "Je kind heeft een ongeluk gehad en het is ernstig". Tranen in m'n ogen als je dat moment (en de eerste dag) hierboven beschrijft.
    Ik weet gelukkig zelf niet hoe dat is of voelt, maar kan me sommige dingen wel enigszins voorstellen. De gehaaste reis naar de EHBO, alles dat door je hoofd spookt en maar 1 ding waaraan je kunt denken. En dan daar aangekomen nog moeten wachten op een freaking parkeerkaartje. Terwijl je hart schreeuwt en iedere seconde telt.

    Het verhaal van de dokter dat je aanhoort, het moment dat je haar eindelijk ziet en dat moment dat moet een onvoorstelbare klap geven. Het moment dat je hoort en ziet dat het echt is, dat het jullie meisje is. De complete shock waarin jullie vanaf dat moment verkeren.
    De onzekere, angstige minuten, uren, dagen en weken die voorbij kruipen. Geen enkele houvast hebben of zekerheid kunnen krijgen. De emotionele achtbaan die maar niet stopt.

    Er zijn van die gebeurtenissen in levens en families die je nooit zult vergeten. Flarden van die momenten (de minder belangrijke dingen) zul je je waarschijnlijk niet (meer) kunnen herinneren. Maar dit moment in jullie leven zal jullie en ook andere naasten altijd bijblijven. Het staat ook in mijn geheugen gegrift.
    Dat ik een telefoontje kreeg van mijn zusje die vroeg of ik wist wat er aan de hand was omdat ze een status update van jou had gezien. Dat ik het nog niet gezien had, toen heb gekeken, schrok en toen niet jou durfde te bellen (zelfde reden als jij Armand niet durfde te bellen, èn omdat ik je mobiele nummer nog niet had) en in plaats daarvan een van je zusjes heb gebeld. En dat ik toen hoorde wat er ongeveer gebeurd was en hoe ernstig en kritiek Meg's toestand was. Het heeft me bij mijn keel gegrepen en het heeft me harder geraakt dan ik me van tevoren had kunnen voorstellen.

    Het moment dat ik je ouders zag de volgende ochtend en vervolgens ook jullie in de ogen keek en kort sprak. Geen idee wat ik moest zeggen of kon doen. Dat ik toen we naar beneden liepen en afscheid namen zei "Het komt wel weer goed" (omdat ik dat gevoel had gekregen toen ik haar had gezien). Dat die woorden achteraf nog lang door mijn hoofd hebben gespookt. Was het wel gepast geweest, dat ik dat er uit had laten floepen, had ik dat wel mogen/moeten/kunnen zeggen? op dat moment?

    Misschien had je dit niet gedacht, maar ook ik als "iets minder naaste" ben ook behoorlijk van slag geweest door deze gebeurtenis, verschrikkelijk wat er was gebeurd, het er willen zijn, maar niet willen "lastigvallen", het verdriet dat ik bij iedereen om jullie heen zag. Al veel (samen) meegemaakt in onze familie en zo moeilijk om te zien dat jullie het zo zwaar hadden en er niets aan kunnen doen.

    Respect voor de keuzes die jullie hebben moeten en kunnen maken in Meg's belang en ter bescherming van haar privacy!! Goed dat je dingen hebt vastgelegd. Vooral voor Meg's (en ook voor jullie en Janna's) verwerking van alles. Als Meg dat later zelf wilt heeft ze de kans het te delen met wie zij zelf wilt.

    Ik vind het super dat je nu zo ver bent dat je een begin kunt maken met het van je afschrijven van dingen, gebeurtenissen, gedachten en gevoelens.
    Ga zo door!
    Liefs van je nichtje (je weet wel welke) -x-

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  2. Thinking back, reading your part of the story like this for the first time - ofcourse I'm in tears and just want to hug you.

    We were having lasagna outside, it was around 18:00 and heard sirens. In The Hague, the ambulance would pass through our street. T said something along the lines: "We can't see the ambulance, right? It's not passing here?" and I said: "Nope, and that's good." (As I was thinking I was glad that we didn't need an ambulance).

    I wasn't called till later that evening, somehow our sisters forgot I lived near now or thought the other had informed me.
    The ambulance we had heard must have been for Meg.

    I did not go into church when our nephew did his communion, but instead went over to our sisters house to see if I could help there. It started to rain, buckets of water pouring down. Thunder, lightning - it was kind of beautiful. I came to her house, she wasn't there. The rain stopped. I returned to the church to wait outside. The sun was shining brightly again, no sign of the thunderstorm and rain that had just been there, maybe just a few pools of water. The people in the church hadn't noticed. I waited outside, and saw our parents, I hadn't seen them yet (at least not my father, can't remember if I'd seen my mother) as they had been in the hospital on and off, and I hadn't been there yet, I felt out of place there, like I would be in the way. Meg is fighting for her life, what can I do for her there? There are many relatives there now, too many isn't good either.The other family members also sheltered me a bit as they worried about the effect it could have on my pregnancy. Right now I think: why didn't I go that weekend?
    Seeing our parents was very emotional ofcourse. And strange - crying amidst people who are celebrating the communion of other kids.

    During the prayer with the priest for Meg, I thought about whom I wanted to adress, as I don't quite believe in religion. I believe in the powers thought and nature, and focused on good energy. The thunder outside, I saw it, and I felt strong because of it. I focused on the thunder and lightning, sending positive thoughts to Meg, wanting to put all the energy of that thunderstorm into her recovery, into her cells so she could regenerate. I hoped her spirit would be together with that of my unborn child, that they'd be together for a while. She, here in body, him, not here in body yet. Both alive and yet not present.
    I know that sounds strange, even when I read it like this. Still, life and death, so close together. Meg her old life has ended, and a new one would begin.
    I didn't believe she'd die. I believed she would live. There were too many coïncidences for her to die. (Me having just moved, our other sis being unemployed, some other decisions that people in our family had made, the coincidences surrounding her accident. More "coïncidences" would follow even)

    I'm glad you protected Meg's privacy. What goes on the internet, stays on the internet, and it only takes 1 person (even with the best intention) to share a picture of a very injued Meg online for it to stay permanently online.
    I'm know she appreciates it. (The reason why I won't post here). I think you are right that now is the time for more visits, as Meg enjoys it so much. It is good to see her smile!
    <3

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    Replies
    1. thank you dear sister, And don;t feel abd about not being there. you had other things going on. <3

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  3. Calling back the accident is heart breaking memory. You're very tough and Meg is brave to suffer. She's healing and learns quite good. I'm sure all will be positive.
    Take care my dear.

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  4. Ik hoop dat ze stapje bij beetje steeds weer vooruit gaat <3

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