When Meg was in the PICU in the hospital I started making pictures with my digital camera (DSLR?) I stil remember my husband whispering "you cannot do so, it is a hospital ..." I had that huge camera with me as it was a tool I used on daily bases. I had it with me as I was voluenteering in an animalpark. They organised a special"dreamnight" evening for disabled children and their family.... I was felting with the kids there in the section from the sheep. Friends were spinning, carding wool, shaving a sheep and I was wetfelting with 2 other ladies. After one session it was little calmer and I suddenly had the urge to check my phone.... 8 missed calls from my husband and other family members.... (I stil do not dare to listen to the voicemails of my phone, so don;t leave a message I'll not listen to it... )
I didn';t dare to call back my husband, afraid to keep him from taking care or something... so I called my sister. She told me: "Kim, Something happened with Meg a car accident and not good, They talked about an ambulance helicopter, you need to come.... Shall I pick you up? Where are you? " I was in a place called Born approximately 40 minutes drive from our place. I said no I cannot wait til you are here, I'll drive myself. I grabbed my bag and camera and told the others my daughter was in danger and rushed off to my car. The only thing I was thinking during the drive was "donnot drive too hard, no need for another accident I need to arrive in that hospital to be there for Meg and Meg stay alive ! " While I was waiting for the parkingticket to come out and an open gate for the parkinglot, My sisters and Janna with her teddybear drove by... on the way to the emergency. I parked the car and ran into the hospital, I knew the way to the emergency place. We all arrived nearly at the same time. they took us to a special family room and soon a doctor called Dr. Engel (= means angel in dutch) came to tell us about Meg's situation. She told us Meg was in life danger : huge head/brain damage and bone fractures and at various places in/ on her body and they were afraid she would not make it. She prepared us for the worst. The only thing what I wanted was to be with Meg. I wanted to see her. Our dear sweet Meg. She was in a special room where special nurses and doctors were running around. She looked so fragile, our twelve year old daughter.....
She was taken to the PICU, a special Intensive Care unit for Children, She had a tool in her head which measured her brain pressure. It wasn't good when that started raising, They told us the first 24 hours are the critical ones.... a body need time to react to a smash. Someone said that hit was same as getting 1 m3 of concreet on your body.... I cannot imagine how that must feel, let alone survive... On Saturday June 7th her pressure was rising and we were informed the only other option for Meg was to do surgery on her head, remove her skull at 2 sides. A very scary idea, but what other option was there? None. So we let her go, we said goodbye to her. I whispered to Meg, Dear Meg, know that I really really love you very much, but this is your life, If this life is meant to end here then let it go. I don;t want you to be kept in a body that does not do what you want. It is your choice. You are free to chose, I'll miss you but I cannot claim you to stay here on earth if that is not part of your lifestory anymore. It is your descision, whatever you chose it is ok. I will be here for you to help and support you if you descide to stay...... And she was taken away to the surgery room.
After 4 hours ( I think it was 01.00 in the night) the surgeon came and told us her part was done and a succes, she said now time will tell, next 24 hours are crucial.... pff again 24 hours of life and death.
We took turns in being with Meg, we did not want her to be alone, without any family so her father stayed with her grandfather and we, my mother and me, went to bed when they came back after 4 hours. On Sunday it was a very special day as a nephew was going to do his Holy Communion... a big party was prepared,, what to do? my sister asked. I said no doubts, it has to go on. Meg would not want it differently, He did his preparings for that day and to cancel everything... No, that was not fair to him. I stayed with Meg, but Janna wanted to go and rest of the family too, but it was bittersweet for all of them. No need to tell. On that Monday it was a Holy day (2e pinksterdag) too and the priest came back in the evening to do a prayer around Meg's bed together with all of us, asking God to help the sick people and in special Meg. I will never forget the weather outside at that moment... it was black, dark, raining, with thunder and lightning. A storm I never saw before. Short floods. I felt it was like nature helping us with our prayers. later that evening when I walked to my room in the mcdonalds house I saw a beautiful calm but colorfull skye, also new to me, It gave me hope.
During the next 9 weeks in the Picu and also at mediumcare I took pictures of Meg everyday, I was imagining me Meg getting better and asking me how she looked like and what happened back then, who came to visit, and more of such things. I was and stil am ,however very aware of the fact that Meg, back then and even now stil, does not realise how she was at that moment. The nurses also said it is her privacy, Would Meg like the world to see how she was, when she does not know it herself yet???? Imaginations of people always run wild hearing all kind of stories, and sometimes a real picture or being there seeing it for yourself is more calming as your imagination, but for me Meg's privacy was a thing I did not want to be blamed for when she makes it. Looking back at that hospital period I also have the feeling I have protected not only Meg, but also the people whom wanted to come for a visit..... but now the time is right to have more visits.