Monday, 12 September 2016


Hurray Meg is turning 15 today! 

It is her Birthday a day after the attack at the twintowers in New York. I stil remember how hard my belly got seeing these planes fly into the towers. Every channel showed it. I Thought these belly pains were from seeing this but day after they were contractions. at 17:59 h. Mechttildis alias Meg was born. Doubts about how the world would change when she would grow up... A world war III ? We didn't even feel like adding out a flag  outside our house to show we got something to celebrate. We waited 2 days  found it inappropiate to do so when so many people died in New York.

Back to today... 15 years later, The things happened to her in June 2014 was not in my imagination, Somehow I feel sad on this festive day. That normal healthy child is not there anymore and I really miss that a lot today. All the fighting to survive, therapies, adjustments, wheelchair, wheelchairbus, divorce, rented home, special school, diapers, her stil not at home due to not able to shower her..... she is not able to cycle, go to school by herself with a bunch of children going to the same school, talking is stilll not there , (but I keep faith in it, I hear her sometimes) it all makes me cry.
Which is good, needs to come out  too. so even 15 years later no flag out today.
Janna baked at grandma's place a cake for Meg 

We held her birthdayparty yesterday, family and some freinds came and it was fun, but today it all feels so double.
She is at school now, We blockstamped each classmates firts letter on handkerchiefs using the handkerchief as wrapping paper around a simple healthy apple. For the teacher I cut some flowers from my garden. I drove Janna first to school, so proud of that daughter too!. Then to Meg's room in the clinic, to get her cloths and chargers back in her room. the "nurses there were singing when we came in :) they written on the chalkboard a message to Meg :
Then off to her school. as she had the flowers at her table at the wheelchair all were looking. Girls form her class yelled Happy Birthday to you Meg!! and came closer. the other teachers on the corridor congratulated her and me too.  arriving at her classroom, the doorway was decorated with paper garlands and one window too. at the whiteboard was a also written congratulations Meg 15 years! Meg was smiling from ear to ear. I think she wil have a nice day. after school her father picks her up and they wil go to the drumclass, she is now playing bongo's . this evening we wil be eating in a restaurant "de kastanjeboom". That was her wish, she is asking to eat there for a long time. when that is done we wil drive her back to the clinic...

Happy Birthday Sweet Meg. I love you and am very Happyand gratefull to stil have you <3 <3 <3 

Monday, 21 March 2016

Een beschrijvend verhaal.

Vanmorgen was er weer een gesprek over Meg en ons met maatschappelijk werkster en de psychologe van Adelante. gesproken is er over hoe het met Meg gaat en mijzelf, hoe het met de woningaanpassingen gaat en plannen voor leuke uitjes,  De maatschappelijk werkster sloot af met een ontzettend passend verhaal. Ok wij hadden Meg niet vanaf de geboorte zo hoe ze nu is, maar voor de rest klopt het verhaal wel. Ik  schrijf het hieronder neer:

"Welkom in Holland"
 Ik wordt vaak gevraagd om te beschrijven hoe het is om een kind op te laten groeien met een handicap - om mensen te helpen die niet die unieke ervaring kennen, het begrijpelijk te maken, om een voorstelling te geven hoe het voelt. Het is ongeveer als volgt.

Wanneer je een baby verwacht, is het net een fantastische vakantiereis -- naar Italië. Je koopt een stelletje reisgidsen en maakt erg mooi plannen. Het Colloseum, het Sint Pieterplein, de Sixtijnse Kapel, het Vaticaan, de gondels in Venetië. Je leert een paar handige Italiaanse zinnetjes. Het is allemaal opwindend, je verwacht er veel van.

Na maanden van voorbereiding, komt eindelijk de dag van vertrek. Je pakt je koffers en gaat richting vliegveld. Vele uren later landt het vliegtuig. De stewardess komt en zegt: "Welkom in Holland". "Holland !!?? zeg je. "Wat bedoeld u met Holland? ik heb een reis naar Italië gepland, ik leef in de veronderstelling dat ik in Italië zou zijn nu. Mijn hele leven heb ik gedroomd over Italië.

Maar er is een verandering in het vluchtplan, Ze zijn geland in Holland en daar moet je blijven. Het is belangrijk om te weten dat ze je niet naar een verschrikkelijke vreselijke plek hebben gebracht, vol met pest, ziekte en alleen maar ellende. Het is alleen een andere plaats. Dus moet je nu erop uitgaan om nieuwe gidsen te kopen. En je moet een hele nieuwe taal leren. En je zult een hele nieuwe groep mensen leren kennen die je anders misschien nooit was tegengekomen.

Het is alleen een andere plaats. Het is in tempo een minder snel land, minder flitsend. Maar nadat je er een tijd betnt geweest en je diep ademgehaald hebt, kijk je rond en begin je te zien dat Holland veel water heeft, molens, tuilpen, dat Holland zelfs hele mooie Rembrandts heeft.

Maar iedereen die je kent is druk met komen en gaan naar Italië, en zij praten er allemaal over wat een fantastische tijd ze hebben. En voor de rest van je leven zou je kunnen zeggen "ja dat was de bedoeling. Dat had ik gepland. "

De pijn daarvan zal nooit verdwijnen, want het verlies van die droom is een ernstig verlies. Maar als je je leven blijft rouwen om het feit dat je niet naar Italië bent geweest, dan zul je nooit vrij kunnen zijn om te genieten van de erg bijzondere, de lieve dingen van Holland.

"Welcome to Holland", van Emily Pearl Kingsley, in boek: Verlieskunde (1996) Utrecht: Lemma. Vertaling : Herman de Mönnick.

Friday, 18 December 2015

A special day

Today exactly a year ago on December 18th 2014 we came back to the South of the Netherlands called Limburg, Our own area with our own typical dialect. Closer to our family and freinds again. Tilburg was 1hr 30 min drive. Nevertheless looking back on it I am soooo happy we went there to  start with Meg's rehabilitation. It was a speciel period where I met also many other parents in the same situation. That's something unique for Tilburg, all patients have the same (in gradations) Here in Adelante also other children with other problems are getting therapy,

Last year it was an exciting day, a new start at a new place. The difference with now cannot be bigger. Said the doctor in January 2015, Meg wil not be able to stand. She now is able  to make small standing transfers from bed to wheelchair. She kept suprising everyone. The most progress was in the beginning of this year, Nowadays not that much but stil small things. And many small things make one big thing  ;-)

With the Cliniclowns in Tilburg
ready to drive off for the first time to home in Bunde, February 2nd 2015
March 6th 2015 a sistershugs while standing
in de Ronald McDonaldkindervallei
Second visit by taxi, to her betgrandmother. April 21th. it was the alst time my gandmother was outisde a week later she passed away <3 
In the hospital to remove her PEGsonde  finally, June 18th 
August 18th

From September I was able to take her with me  to my new temporary place in Ulestraten. every weekend

It was an incredible year lots happened. But we stil aren't there where we want to be, Meg was dismissed from the Adelante Valkhorst rehablilitation centre to live at home from September 2015, but due to the fact my house hasn´t got the improvements to Meg needs we are stil (very  very impatiently ) waiting for a house in Bunde to be adjusted. She can stay for the time being at the Valkhorst.  I am now resetting my expectations about living together with Meg to Summer 2016...  Living in Ulestraten isn't the same, I miss my family and friends. Hardly no one comes for a visit and when we go for a walk we don;t meet others whom we know. I hope in Bunde we wil meet others again. Would do so good for Meg, Janna and me I am sure. 

I am wishing you all a wonderful Christmas time and a huge Thank You from the bottom of my heart to all of you whom supported us in any way last 1,5 year. Thanks!

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

A "normal' day?

It has been a long time since I have written something here, I know, loads of things happened. I moved from the McDonaldshouse to a small old peoples house, it is groundleveled only. Temporarily till  I finally can move into a nother rented house in Bunde. Anyway that is not what I wanted to write about today. Meg is doing ok.

Today I want to keep track of my day here.

my agenda is empty for today.... 

6.45h I hear my alarms but cannot get my eyes open, but every 15 minutes a new alarm goes off....

7.30h. I suddenly wake up and rush into Janna's room to wake her up! iecks at 8,15 at latest we need to be in the car. getting dressed etc

8.15h we managed to be in the car, I made her breakfast and lunch she packed her bag, super nervous as today her first paperweek starts. every day she has to make 2 tests.

8.27h. dropping her off at her school, Wishing her succes, but all I get as answer is "i'll fail anyway... " Sigh I send a smal prayer for her, it wil be fine. before driving off I heard my phone: a message from Meg, "Come please, now!! " hihi. texting her back: I am on my way and start driving

8.40h. I have parked the car and go to Meg, She typs on her speaking computer, I need a book called "rondje Nederlands"something from School..  So I check her room, but cannot find any book.

8.50h. walking along Meg's wheelchair to bring her to her class, It is not yet completely safe to let her drive unaccompanied. Sometimes she is distracted and doesn't drive straigh on then...

9.00h. I leave her in her class wishing her 9 fellow classmates, teacher plus assistant a nice day. i asked how the book looks like and since I saw it, I thought to give it another try searching for it. So walked back to Meg's bedroom and found it in her closet. Walked back to the class to give it to her: a huge smile from Meg :) :)  and a happy teacher

9.33h Back in my home in Ulestraten. had to get some fuel for my car

9.42h Armand called for 5 minutes: he finally got in contact with the person whom we are going to lease a wheelchair van for the time being, We were supposed to get it from December 1th onwards. The van "only"needs to be technically checked and tested and then we can pick it up, probably newxt week Wednesday. I am happy we didn't cancel the wheelchair car this weekend... why don't things go as planned? Sigh. I write an update on fb about it as it really does something with me. Realising I need to be upon everything myself.... not relying too much upon others.

10.10h. A call from the PGB office, they want to make an appointment at my place to see and meet Meg etc, also want to check my administration about the care I organised around Meg. etc Wednesday 16th with Meg, sure no problem... sigh

10.15h. Calling with my advisor about PGB if he can also be here at that date and time.

10.32h  Calling back to Armand i thought about the van thing and have some suggestions. as on monay 14th Meg needs to go to her dentist again, Do I have the wheelchaircar from zonneblem then? he said need to check the mail...

10.59h. Calling A, again. again a talk about how to speed it up or why etc.

11.01h. Calling with Diana, the person whom guides me with carethings around Meg and home. No answer.. meanwhile I am sitting behind my pc trying to work at a document about the care I am going to give to Meg when she is with me. time and howlong etc...  didn't write much in there yet.

11.29h. Diana is calling me back, I explained her what I heard from Armand, my unbelieve etc. she wil work on it and call to the car man. The neigbour messaged me if it is possible to dropp of some food for me and Jann. she promissed me to do so yesterday. . . "Sure I am home" madea short talk about the morning,. ok food in the fridge ,Where was I bussy with? Back to the pc.

11.37h. Meg is calling me through whats app???  I descide to answer the call and it is her RT , they are trying to instal a special program into her tablet but need the password for installation. the talk lasted 2 min. 24 sec

11.41h. An unknown number is calling me... nothing new but who wil it be? I wonder. It is the mother of a freind from Janna, if it is ok for her to take Janna along so she can wait there for me to come . I stil didn't get it, I thought oh Janna is finished way earlier as she said she would  ( 11.30) .... duh I completely forgot to drive off on time. Grabbed my jacket and bag and drove off, While driving i was thinking about everything. thinking also what has to be done today and how to get it done... get meg from school, help her with her final things for her talk tomorrow, help janna with learning for her tests... groceries... etc.

12.16h. Diana calling me while we were in the supermarket she had contact and told me what she knew. took 5 min 16 sec

12.29h. She called me again while I just arrived home for 4 min 13 sec. the van wil need to be tested and next week on Wednesday we wil most probably be able to pick it up. for the money we now need to spent on the wheelchaircar this weekend is a negotiation.. solution we wil hear.

12.54h. Back inside from picking up Janna and doing groceries. Sitting on my couch, lunch time now groceries are stored away and after that back to my pc, to hopefully finally get the document finished.

14.07h. Wrote this blogpost, so far, answered other messages from a neigbour whom is coming to visit Meg this eve. I stay home then with janna...

14.16h, After making Janna a cup of tea and telling her to start learning for tomorrow I was going to try to finish my document. fingers crossed. ... only about 45 minutes left before I need to start thinking of driving to meg,

14.45h. A call from the RoinaldmcDonalds kindervalley, they got a letter for me from UWV.  Huge SIGH, I don"t know how often I have to tell them at UWV my adress has changed.... picking it up later today

14.52h, I have added all the nessecairy documents in the envelop ! Yes! that task is done. Now time for some tea. then of to Meg, posting the letter too.

15.06h. hmm shall I open the letter which fell on my doorstep now ar later??  No now... . it is a letter from an organisation (SVB) and they want me to fill in a 3 pages form, sigh... I had done so last year, why again??? I got a few minutes before I really need to drive offf. so I called, explained and was conected to another person but then waited for 5 minutes stil no answer with that person. Had to go, sorry...  took 6 min. jacket , purse an phone and in the car, driving to Houthem posting that important letter on time :)

15.29h , Arriving just in time to park and walk into Meg's school. We first walk to the ronaldmcdonaldhouse  to pik up my wrong delivered letter from UWV. and then to Meg's place.  A cliniclown was there, playing with the younger kids, Meg also had to laugh, but we stil had to work on her speach about Hockey for tomorrow, so we went into her room and she started working on the laptop I took along. By asking questions she got ideas of what to write. Her powerpoint was already finished.but the tex had to be written out as her teacher would read it out loud. worked till 17h on it.

Monday, 7 September 2015


Is it wednesday already?? I wanted to write about our weekend of 3,4 and 5 July. We rented again that wheelchair bus. Which gave me a wonderfull feeling of being free to go whenever I wanted to go with Meg too. 

On Friday Janna was having her final revue, as she is going to leave elementary school, passing on to a new school next year. Her teacher and classmates practiced a lot all not telling anyone about the show. Parents (including me) helped to sew their costumes made the decor. Janna wanted Meg also to be there. Meg was also on the same school but never went back there after the accident. So we arrived there and Janna and her classmates were already  awaitingus in a frame, they were a living artwork. As art was also this schoolyears theme. 

After the photoshoot was done Janna came to greet us. She looked so beautyfull! a real teenager to be. The visiters had to take their places and for Meg was a special place reserved. Janna was nervous and we al anxious to see the show. 
They made their entrance and the show was a great one. Meg enjoyed it, but when the group started playing she started typing too... " what about my final show last year? " She cried  a lot, realising she missed that out. I was "happy" to see this happening, nevertheless I was crying myself too. After the show we all went outside and there Meg wanted to walk towards a bench she knew from her schoollife. the power she showed!! amazing, Ofcourse we had to hold her but she had to move her legs herself and she did !! Powergirl! 


Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Somethings are.....

just no coincidence. Or? You know right from the after the accident. I truely believed things really happen for a reason. Too many things to call it coincidence like:

The driver was twice as old as Meg was, came from a place we had to go for rehabilitation. He studied neurology, etc. The emergency docter was named "drs Engel " = angel in Dutch. A phone number of a paragnost, which I got from a lady, I never saw her back, after she gave me a card with the number including money to me... was it again an angel?  That visit gave me sttrength and hope. I can go on for a long time, even last week is it coincidence or not?

Since Monday June 8th 2015 Meg is going back to school again. Finally!! We  have been asking for it since March, She needs contact with same aged chidren and I was quirious to know if she was stil able to do maths or learn things like English etc. So on this Monday she went to this special Mythyl school on the same grounds as her clinic. Last year the accident was on Friday so she missed last weeks before the summervacation started. This year, exactly a year, later she is going back to school until the summervacation starts again. Continuing as if she never stopped at school... a sabbatical year. a closed circle, life goes on again.

We stil need to see how she wil do in class... can she stay focussed? Can she learn new things in her short term memory? She is now 2 hrs per day in the class with now 10 children aged 12-15 yrs, most of themb have epilepsy and look like 'normal' kids. Don' get me wrong here when I use the term 'normal' kids. For us we never had much/ close contact  or experience with children in wheelchairs  and their daily life with therapist, forms that need to be filled and every organisation asking for all medical infromation. (Where is her privacy???) We have fallen in a new small world a different society. The world of the disabled. And I never knew there are so many different disabilities but I am getting used to it. Also when going out with Meg, the behaviour of people is so (hopefully not on purpose)  rude. They ignore to react to their children when they say something about Meg out loud ... as if we cannot hear. Some think Meg is stupid, but she is not, she just cannot talk with her voice, Therefor she has the speaking computer. I always try to involve Meg in the talk.

The rehabilitation/ school area, is pretty "Safe" I mean people are used to see kids in wheelchairs, wearing braces, have spasm, etc. Harder is being in the "normal" places like our village , ( I never really realised how bad some pavements are) And crossing the railways? Not possible at the station... there are only stairs, so we need to walk to a road crossing section....

Last weekend we rented a wheelchaircar, it was a great feeling, this "freedom", in transport. Me driving her myself , not a stranger. I took her home on Friday as we had a surpriseparty organised for Armand 's 50th Birthday. He slept the night before his birthday at the hospital, (due to kidneypains) but he descided he was good enoug to have a party.  Janna baked him a special minion cake.

I took Meg back to the clinic to sleep. Even being at home confronting things happen. Simple thing like going into the garden.... not possible for Meg. We have steps and heightlevels in our garden. She didn't cry about it, but I saw on her face she forgot she cannot go :(

Sunday June 14th I was there again in the morning to pick her up. A delegation of the Hockey club she is stil a member of, came to visit her/ us. She smiled from ear to ear when she got a training vest with her name and club name on it. Plus training trousers too. No need to tell she wanted to wear them today ;-) Thank you!

After the summerstop we wil go and see a hockey game, for now the season has ended and I think it is also very confronting for her, plus transport is stil an issue.

In the afternoon we went to a performance of Janna's flamengo. She started in September and this was a show from all felmengo groups of her teacher. Amazing to see. Felt like being in Spain.

Janna  with a stunning hairstyle and dress in the middle. Proud <3

The gitar player , Rezar, said before he started playing an intro it was specially dedicated to Meg as he heard lots about her from his pupil Lucas. He played a special song called, "Volver" means coming back. Touching song and gesture, Thanks!
After dinner I took Meg back to her room in the clininc.. I was super tired. On Monday I slept 4 hours at a stretch between 11-15h, I really needed it, It wil be a calm week for me that I do know, no wild plans, hihihi.

Thursday June 18th we wil need to go to the hospital for a day. Finally Meg's PEG sonde is going to be removed. YES!! We waited also long for this to be removed. It wil be a simple small surgery, they say.... fingers crossed xxx. Again a little step to "like before but different"

We are now waiting for the insurance to give greenlight for a wheelchair van... and when they say Yes it wil most probably take another 3-4 months before we can actually drive in it....  :(

Meanwhil I lwant to make plans for the summertime, but so many things stil needs to be organised first,, sigh..  wel one day after another...

Friday, 12 June 2015

A year ago the revieuw of my youngest sister Debbie

Posted by Debbie on facebook June 7th in Dutch, below English
Zoals mijn andere twee zussen ook al schreven, sommige dingen blijven je bij. Wij waren spaghetti aan het eten in de tuin, toen we een ambulance hoorden. Tobias vroeg: Komt die hier langs? Waarop ik zei: Nee, gelukkig niet. Een paar uur later werd ik gebeld door Selina. Ook dat vergeet ik niet, ik kon niks meer terugzeggen tegen haar na het nieuws. Dit kon toch niet zo zijn? 
Die avond nog extra naar mijn kinderen gaan kijken. Ik was ongeveer 36 weken zwanger. Die eerste paar weken... Ik geloofde dat Meg en Lodewijk, (waar ik zwanger van was) wellicht contact met elkaar hadden. Allebei deels wel en deels niet op deze wereld. Lodewijk Leonard Alexis. Lodewijk, naar 3 (of eigenlijk 4) van mijn en Ingmar zijn opa's (Louis, Aloyisius). Leonard: Ik bleef denken aan een leeuw. Als sterrebeeld? Iets anders? Leonard, het hart van een leeuw. Alexander vonden we altijd al een mooie naam. De betekenis van Alexander is redder van mannen (saviour of men, als ik het goed heb).
Alexis betekent Savirour of mankind, redder van de mensheid. Ook van Meg.
Wellicht wat vreemd, maar ik heb altijd gedacht (nog steeds) dat namen kracht bezitten. Een naam past soms bij iemand, het zegt iets over hoe iemand is. Over zijn daden, karakter. Ik hoopte dat Lodewijk Meg de weg terug zou wijzen. Zoiets.
Als ik het zo schrijf klinkt het wat zweverig, maar waarom ook niet?
Zelf heb ik niet meer zoveel met religie van doen, maar ik geloof wel in krachten van de geest, van de natuur. Bij de ziekenzalving aan Meg haar bed onweerde het. Dat gaf mij rillingen - dat was wat bij mij paste. Twee "geloven/overtuigingen" die Meg kracht en genezing toewensten.
Hetzelfde tijdens de communie van mijn neefje, op zondag 8 juni 2 dagen na het ongeluk. Toen iedereen in de kerk zat barstte er een hevig onweer met plensbuien los, daar liep ik doorheen naar het huis van mijn zus om te kijken of ik daar nog kon helpen. Toen ik terug kwam bij het plein/de kerk, was het onweer voorbij en scheen de zon weer stralend. En de communicantjes kwamen naar buiten.

the church tower bathing in sunlight , the rest dark
the divided sky....
Een jaar later. Gisteren aten we weer buiten. Geen spaghetti. Ik moest denken aan een jaar geleden. Hoe snel kan iets veranderen, en hoe onbenullig zijn zaken als uiterlijk en bezit.
Mijn familie is gegroeid (ik bedoel hier niet mijn gezin mee wink-emoticon ). Het leven is veranderd, vooral voor mijn zussen en mijn ouders. Voor mij veranderde het ook, maar anders. Omdat ik pas net in Bunde woonde (29 Maart waren we verhuisd) was ik nog niet gewend aan onregelmatige familiebezoekjes naar hun en van hun.
Eigenlijk begon de woelige rit al eerder, november 2013. Ik moe van het zwanger zijn, bij mijn zussen/ouders waren er rond die tijd ook al zaken die niet soepel liepen als ik het goed heb. Na het ongeluk met Meg waren er meer hobbels, de soap in de achtbaan ging door. Soap omdat er altijd wel iets gebeurt, en achtbaan omdat het een nog niet over is of het ander dient zich weer aan.
Zo ook bij mijn zussen, het ene obstakel is genomen of het ander dient zich weer aan. Over mijn ouders heb ik ook mijn zorgen gehad. Hun leven is ook ontzettend veranderd, dat draait nu om Meg. Ik ben blij dat mijn moeder nog zo veel voor Meg kan doen, voor haar kan zorgen, en dat mijn zussen ook zoveel voor Janna kunnen doen.
Het heeft zo moeten zijn. Er zijn zoveel toevalligheden... zijn die echt toevallig? Als ik niet hier had gewoond, was de band tussen mij en mijn zussen/ouders erg anders geweest omdat hier in Limburg de lasten gedragen worden. Den Haag is ver weg. Maar ook andere zaken, teveel om op te noemen.
Ik ben blij dat Meg alweer zo ver gekomen is, maar ik hoop ook dat dit niet het eindpunt is. Er is sinds Leypark zo hard aan haar revalidatie gewerkt, maar het lijkt nu wat rustiger. Omdat ze al wat meer kan? Of om het "zwarte gat" na de coma, zoals Kim een tijd terug postte.
Voor Meg, maar ook voor Janna, hoop ik dat ze een mooie toekomst (te beginnen met de pubertijd) tegenmoet gaan, niet gehinderd of emotioneel onherstelbaar beschadigd door dit gebeuren.
Voor mezelf hoop ik mijn hart of overtuigingen te kunnen blijven volgen, en dat is dat werk ondergeschikt is aan gezin, aan leven. Dat ik bewust nadenk over de (ecologische) impact van ons leven, onze manier van leven, en dat probeer te wijzigen. Niet alleen onze eigen gezondheid is belangrijk, ook die van de aarde om ons heen. Dat aandacht, tijd, belangrijker is dan bezit.
Dat familie zeer belangrijk is. Soms kunnen we niet mét elkaar, maar we kunnen zeker niet zónder elkaar.
As my sisters have written, some little things are remembered. We were having spaghetti in the garden, when we heard an ambulance.
Tobias asked: Does it pass here? I replied: No, luckily it doesn’t.
A few hours later I got a phonecall from Selina. This I will not forget either – I was unable to speak after she told me what happened. This couldn’t be?
That evening (and more to come) I had an extra look at my children when they slept. I was about 36 weeks pregnant. The first few weeks after the accident… I believed that Meg and my unborn baby Lodewijk might be in touch with each other. Both partly on this world and partly not. Lodewijk Leonard Alexis. Lodewijk, after 3 (or actually 4) of my and Ingmar’s grandfathers (Louis, Aloyisius). Leonard: I kept thinking of a lion. As astral sign? Something else? Leonard, lion’s hart. We always liked the name Alexander. It’s meaning is saviour of men. Alexis means savior of mankind. Also of Meg.
Maybe a bit strange, but I’ve always thought (still do)  that names posess power. A name fits a person, tells a lot about a person. His/her deeds, character. I hoped that Lodewijk would show Meg the way back. Something like that.
When writing it like this it sounds a bit “dreamy”, but why not?
I’ve distanced myself from religion somewhat, but I do believe in the powers of mind and nature. At the service for the ill/wounded (led by a priest) there was lightning and thunder. It gave me the shivers, as that was something that I connected with. Two convictions wishing Meg strength and healing.
The same during the communion of a nephew, the Sunday after the accident. When everyone was in church there was a fierce thunderstorm with lots of rain. I walked throught it to my sisters house to see if I could help out there. When I walked back to the church, the thunder subsided and the skies turned bright and clear again, no sign of the weather except some poodles on the pavement. Then the children came out of the church.

A year after. We ate outside again yesterday. No spaghetti this time. I thought about a year ago.
How fast things can change! And how irrelevant things like looks and posessions are. My family has grown (not meaning my own family, but also my parents and siblings). Life has changed, especially  for my sisters and my parents. For me it changed as well, but different. I had just moved here on March 29th so I wasn’t used to irregular visits to and from family.
Actually the bumpy ride started before that already, in November 2013. I was tired of being in the beginning of pregnancy, and my sisters and parents also had their issues. After the accident there were ofcourse even more bumps in the road, soap on a rollercoaster continued. A soap because there’s always something happening, and a rollercoaster because one thing hasn’t ended or another issue presents itself. This is also very true for my sisters – one obstacle has been overcome, and the next one stands ready. I had my worries about my parents to – their lives has changed so much, it evolves around Meg. I am glad my mom can do so much for Meg, and that my sisters can do so much for Janna.
It had to be this way. There are so many coincidences… are they really coincidences? If I wouldn’t have moved here then the connection between my sisters and me would have been very different, as the burdens are most heavy here and not 200km away. The Hague is far away then. But also other coincidences, too many to mention.